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  • S. Preet

The Fear and Joy of Loving Her

Is this what being in love means?  I cannot stop thinking about her; her presence consumes my thoughts, and I can’t get enough of her. Little things throughout the day remind me of her. I wish I could share with her the aroma of my morning coffee, the sight of the autumn leaves falling and the laughter I share with my friends. Is this love? I want to see her happy; to hear her talk about what brings her joy. I want to see and hear about her mundane life; what she did, what she ate, how she is doing. Because everything she says interests me and I could just listen to her for hours on end. Things I would normally find uninteresting are enjoyable with her. Her presence alone fills me with peace and comfort. Is this love? My heart smiles in her presence and in that one moment when our eyes meet all my worries are lifted. I know it. This is love. Pure and tender love. How can society tell me this love is wrong when it feels so right? When it comes to me as easy as breathing does? When she makes me feel so safe and comforted? When she adds colour to this grey world of mine?


I realise that this love is not without consequence. I am aware of the dangers. Risking being disowned and cast aside by my family and my culture. The fear of losing the home I have known for over twenty years of my life terrifies me. However, I cannot see this as reason enough to let go of her. Family is supposed to accept me the way I am and to support me unconditionally, but their love is very much conditional on me being the perfect daughter who meets their expectations and marries a man in the near future. That is not me. That will never be me. I want them to accept that I am a lesbian. To recognise that I am flawed and struggling mentally. However, they never will and I am exhausted of trying to make them understand that I am not the person they envision in their mind. I am tired of living to fulfil my family’s expectations. I want to live for myself now. She has made me realise this. Her love is making me realise that I deserve to be loved for who I truly am; flaws included. I deserve to exist and be happy in whichever way I desire.


She is worth every risk because this time it feels right. This is a love I have never experienced before. A love so radiant that it exposed a part of me that had been profoundly concealed under all the pain and sadness. She discovered in me a person who is still optimistic and full of childlike wonder, and she cherishes it with all she has. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why she chooses to stay with me. I am a person who is filled with trauma and who has many problems. I believed I was unlovable, yet she makes it appear as if loving me is as simple as seeing the sun rise in the morning. She does it naturally and daily, without even much thought. 


I know one day I will have to face my past. I will have to come out to my family at the risk of losing them. It is something that eats me up daily, but I need to do it for myself, and having her at my side will make it that much more bearable. One day, I will be able to love as freely as you love me. Until then, I'll keep hanging on to the possibility of a future together as well as the love we currently share now.


I love you because when I am with you, I become the person I always wanted to be. I love you because you make my word brighter and better. I love you because with you life is easier.


I love you because you are you. 

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